Ash Ketchum: Motivational Speaker
by Swordsman4
Summary: A collection of Pokémon themed one shot parodies of the famous Saturday Night Live "Matt Foley" skits.
1. Go For It

I don't own Pokémon or the Matt Foley skits. Pokémon is owned by Nintendo and SNL created Matt Foley.

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_Author's Notes: I've been watching the Pokémon anime again, and Ash can't ever do anything right. I've also had this Saturday Night Live skit stuck in my head. So thus, Ash Ketchum the motivation speaker was created. _

_PS. This hasn't happened and probably won't ever happen so it's considered major AU._

* * *

A man and a woman sat on a coach as they stared at two teens that sat across from them.

"Jessie. James. I'm glad you could join us for this family communication session." the man said.

"Are you guys getting divorced or something?" a teenage girl with magenta hair and blue eyes asked.

"No, were just worried because the cleaning lady found a bag of pot." the woman said.

"She didn't smoke it, did she?" the girl asked.

"No, she didn't smoke it." the woman said.

"Now were aren't here to 'come down on you', that's not what we're about." the man added.

"We're just concerned pot could lead to other things." the woman said.

"Crack, ice, boom, pow." the man said.

"But I'm sure you don't want to hear this from us." the woman said.

"Sure, we're your parents. Who wants to hear this from their parents?" the man said.

"So, your father and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you guys some direction, a motivational speaker." the woman added.

"One of those guys who speaks to high schools, and churches." the man said.

"You mean to come to the house?" the girl asked.

"Yeah." the woman replied.

The two teens got up to leave.

"Later." they said.

The man got up from the coach and stood in front of the teens.

"Woah, this set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Ash Ketchum and he's been in the basement drinking coffee for the last four hours, he should be ready to go." the man said.

"His speech is called 'Go For It' and he's used to big crowds, so make him feel like there is a crowd here." the man added.

He walked over to the basement door and slowly opened it.

"Ash, come up buddy!" the man shouted as he opened the door.

A man with a backwards baseball cap, black hair, brown eyes, a black shirt, and blue jeans entered the living room.

"So, as your father probably told you, my name is Ash Ketchum and I am a motivational speaker." the man said.

"Let's get this started by giving you some info on what my life is all about. I am thirty five years old, I have never won a Pokémon League, I am divorced, and I live IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash said and he emphasized the "Van Down By the River" part.

"Now you kids are probably like I'm going to grab the world like a Pokeball and shove it in my pocket." Ash said as he made a grabbing motion and pretended to put something in his pocket.

Ash paused for a moment then started to speak again.

"Well, I'm going to tell you as you go out there you're gonna find out that you will amount to, JACK SQUAT!" Ash shouted as he emphasized the "Jack Squat" part.

"You're going to be eating a steady diet of government cheese and LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash shouted.

Ash paused for a second before speaking.

"Now young man, what are you going to do with your life?" Ash asked.

"Well, Ash. I kinda want to be a writer." the boy with indigo hair replied.

"Well, LA-DEE-FLYGON-DA! We've got ourselves a writer here." Ash shouted as he pointed at the teen.

Ash walked over and leaned over to talk to the dad.

"I can't see very well, is that Shakespeare over there?" Ash asked as he used his hands as binoculars.

"Well, actually we encourage James' writing." the dad said.

"You know dad, I wish you just shut your big yapper!" Ash shouted.

Ash slowly walked over and stood behind James.

"James, from what I hear you haven't been using your paper for writing, but for rolling doobies." Ash said.

"You'll be doin' a lot of doobie rolling when you're LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash shouted as he emphasized the part about the van for the third time.

Ash then turned his attention to the other teen.

"Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?" Ash asked.

"I want to live in a van down by the river." she replied somewhat sarcastically.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to do that when you're LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash shouted.

The speaker moved over to the middle of the living room and began to speak.

"Now you kids are probably asking, 'Hey, Ash. How can we get back on the right track?!" the speaker said.

"As I see it there is only one solution. I'm gonna move my stuff in here because I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy. So, I'm gonna go get my stuff." Ash added as he bolted out the door.

"Ash, you don't have to do that! We'll never smoke pot again!" the teens hollered.

"I don't give a Raticate's behind, I'm moving in because I'm sick of living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash said as he walked out the door.

The dad quickly shut the door and locked it.

"Is the back door locked?" the father asked.

"Yes." the mother replied.

"We love you, dad." Jessie said.

"I love you, too." the father said as the family had a group hug.

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_Author's Note: If you haven't seen Chris Farley's hilarious Matt Foley skit, you probably won't understand this._


	2. Motivational Santa

_Author's Note: I own nothing, blah, blah, blah. You get the point._

_Here we go again, I know it's not Christmas but this skit was hilarious and I couldn't resist._

_Ash Ketchum: Motivational Santa._

* * *

A large group of kids began to chant as they stood in a store.

"We want Santa, we want Santa!" the children screamed.

A man in a business suit walked over to calm the children down.

"Okay, kids. Santa is coming, but first I want everyone's attention. We're going to do things a little differently in this mall. We are all concerned about how young people are turning out, that's why today we have a very special Santa Claus for you today. Now he's been down stairs drinking espresso for the last four hours, so let's give Santa a warm welcome." the man said.

The kids began to clap and cheer as a man in a Santa suit entered the room with a bag over his shoulder.

"Ho-Ho-Ho! Now, my name is Ash Ketchum. And I am a motivational Santa! Let me tell you little about my self, so you know where I'm coming from. First off, I am thirty-five years old, I have never won a Pokémon League, I am thrice divorced, and I live at the North Pole in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash shouted.

A boy approached Ash to request something for Christmas.

"I want a super morphing Genesect." the boy said.

"Well, you do?" Ash asked.

"My son is just crazy about Genesect." a woman said.

"Well, Loopdy-Flygon-Do!" Ash shouted as his Santa hat fell off.

He walked over to the crowd of kids and began to holler.

"It's all about presents to you kids, isn't it?" Ash said.

"You all want to wake up Christmas morning and run down to the tree at light speed and find the biggest present that you can and pull out a dream come true!" Ash exclaimed.

"Well, I've got news for you kids. In the real world you hang up a stocking and find it filled to the brim with, JACK SQUAT!" Ash said as he emphasized saying jack squat.

Ash paused before picking up the kid who asked him for a Genesect toy and shouted.

"And you know why..." Ash said as he paused.

"Because there is no such thing as Santa Claus!" Ash shouted as he shook the kid.

"Sir, you're ruining Christmas for all the kids, they love Santa." the woman said.

"I wish you'd be Santa's little helper, and shut your cakehole!" Ash shouted.

"Heck, everybody wants a holly-jolly Christmas." Ash said.

The speaker began to dance.

"Hey, look at me I'm covered in Elf dust." Ash said.

The kid Ash spoke to rushed over to him and shouted.

"You don't even look like Santa, that's a fake beard!" the boy yelled.

"Hey, Rudolph." Ash said as he walked over to a man dressed up as an Elf.

"We've got a detective over there. I can't see very good, is that Ben Matlock?" Ash said.

The child's mother rushed over to her kid.

"You leave my son alone, please!" the woman begged.

"I think it's about time to tell you a story." Ash said.

"Gather around, kiddies." Ash added.

The children gather in a circle around Ash Ketchum as he held a book and opened it.

"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the VAN. Your old buddy Ash, fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away with his first wife and her husband in sunny LA. Ash woke up with a chill and a quiver. And realized, that he was livin' a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash read.

The manager walked over to Ash.

"You are scaring people, now you better start acting like Santa or we won't pay you the other forty-five bucks." the man said.

"Hey, Santa has a real treat for you kids. I'm gonna go slide down that chimney and give presents to everybody." Ash said as he pointed at the wall.

"I'm going to prove with a little Positive Mental Attitude, you can do just about anything." Ash said as he crawled down into the decorative chimney.

"Now what you kids will want to do..." Ash said before the chimney wall fell forward and toppled the tree on top of him.

The manager began to panic.

"Listen, Ash you're going to have to pay for these damages." he said sternly.

"That's no problem. Just send the bill to Ash Ketchum, in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Ash said.

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_Author's Note: Please read and review or you'll end up LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!_


End file.
